Part 3: Are you gaslighting me?
A Conversation with Shelley Chapman
Shelley
The bully energy is so important to name, unpick, and do with presence.
I read somewhere recently that Trump could never exist in an environment with a strong spiritual practice. His behaviours would be swiftly seen and named, and he would be treated compassionately, truthfully and firmly as the small ego that he is.
Somehow, right from wrong is now so watered down that he who argues the most brutally, loudly and simply, wins. Only seeking truth, or a leader that speaks truth, will take us past that place of shock or shutdown as the bullied.
I have a question- are onlookers also by default bullied? Or are they bullies for doing nothing? Only in connection could they be witnesses and out of the drama.
I have been in a few situations as the lone voice pointing out major moral wrongs in an organisation. Always fairly junior, and not yet Self-confident, but always clear what I saw was wrong. Why don’t more speak up? How do these onlookers fit into the drama?
Ranjana
In my experience there is a difference between silence that colludes and silence that witnesses. When I rest in the latter, I can find myself taking action, speaking out and being clear, and yet my mind is silent (still, in harmony with the SELF). When I find myself in the silence that colludes, I am aware of discomfort, ickiness and perhaps even fear. At those times, I can be reactive as opposed to responsive.
Are onlookers by default bullied? Or are they bullies for doing nothing? Only in connection could they be witnesses and out of the drama.
As you noted, it really depends on the onlooker’s intention and guidance. Are they even connected to their conscience? If they are acting out of fear, reactivity, grief, memory, or tendency then it would point to the onlooker being both the bully and the bullied. I don’t believe anyone can be bullied without already having some form of self-harm (self-bullying) inner critic at play. Desire and attachment continue to be the hurdles and learning opportunities in most cases.
Why don’t more speak up? How do these onlookers fit into the drama?
This is easy to answer.
It is about a yearning to live by the code of LOVE and TRUTH. Let’s not forget we are living in an era of trauma, where fear has a strong foothold and many struggle to be free from the lie of separation. Not for long though, as long as people like you continue to speak up (refusing to play along with what is unconscionable) we will continue to course correct and find ourselves in a new and ancient era of goodness.
Shelley
How are narcissists and bullies connected? Are all narcissists’ bullies? Where does gaslighting fit in?
Ranjana
They share an intimate bond; however, all bullies are not necessarily narcissists. The ‘poison’ of selfishness hasn’t permeated every fibre of their beings. The bully energy is part of natural evolution. It is what we must meet in ourselves and in each other with Love and Truth. Narcissism, on the other hand, is an effect of a mind that has completely lost its way from the SELF (God). We live in interesting (confusing) times. There is such a pull to “selfie” obsession and instant gratification that it is easy to get lost. At the same time, there is a huge pull to serve, sustain and self-reflect. I enjoy remembering that the power of love is expansive, infinite, eternal, while the power of greed, corruption and fear is based on limitation and lies. It’s not a competition, it’s about evolution.
A little bit about the history and the evolutionary purpose of bullying, it’s all about shelter, food and sex. Feeling safe, getting fed and procreating – survival. The question is have we evolved enough to see that we don’t have to fight for every scrap of food anymore. The real problem is competition and comparisons. Once humanity can heal (resolve) this, bullying will simply dissolve into compassion and generosity of spirit.
The history of Narcissism is a tragic one, all about falling in love with the ego, and losing touch with nature. It hides within itself such a deep sense of loss, a bottomless pit of empty longing, seeking constant gratification that is never ever enough.
Envy and jealousy, desire, attachment to appearances and wealth are the narcissist’s way into a person’s life. Break free from whatever they promise and they lose their hold. Control and fear are easy to project on someone that is overwhelmed by desire, confused about morality, or traumatised by a lack of love.
Sadly, empaths are often easy targets because they can be so focused on empathising that they have forgotten to check-in with what is true for them.
The greatest gaslighter of all is the ego that has to prove it is right.
The film
In the film, the character that Ingrid Bergman plays, is manipulated to believe that she is going insane. Why did this happen?
When clients ask us, why didn’t they see through the lies?
Lack of self-confidence, lack of self-trust, confusion around power, fear around conflict, attachment, desire, lack of connection to Truth, basically the same old stories. The question is not, why didn’t you see it then, but what are you going to do now?
Shelley
I have another question(s)- What if a narcissist walks through my door as a client? How do i spot the signs? And how do i facilitate their return to love and truth?
Ranjana
I decided to sit with this and wait for a deeper understanding before responding. Here are my reflections – Most times, the signs are recognised only in hindsight. If you notice the telltale signs of excessive self-absorption, deep disconnection to Source, the need to control or manipulate you, you can seek answers from the innate wisdom within you.
Many people have tendencies, but that does not make them narcissists. Also, why would a LiberatingTouch facilitator lookout for those signs, their focus is to shine a light on all that is good and true. I am going to use the character of Lucifer from the Netflix series as an e.g., he displays the tendencies of extreme self-absorption, but he cares in his own way, eventually the compassionate side overtakes the character and he ends up going to hell to help people heal from guilt. The character that plays his “shrink” recognises the narcissistic tendencies, at the same time recognises the good (the Godly). Especially as Lucifer character keeps coming back for help. A narcissist would struggle to do that. Would not be interested in doing the work.
Let it be
My sense is we cannot (or at least it is extremely challenging to do) facilitate a narcissist return to Love, Goodness, Kindness, Humanity, Conscientiousness. You can hold true to the knowing that goodness will work its miracle in time, let the narcissist be, focus on those who do seek help. The rest will take care of itself. Be forgiving, it is incredibly powerful.
I am reminded of how rivers make pathways through mountains; trees grow in unexpected conditions. There is something about the divinity of nature that silences me and my stories of what can and cannot happen, how something can and cannot happen. Life is love, it has a way that is beyond what our minds can conceive, or our beings facilitate. Your question brings up more questions than answers and this is wonderful. It’s as if creation unfurls through inquiry, and i never quite know what will unfold next.
Shelley
My reflections saw something similar, but without the poetry. You always help me witness the beauty.
I believe a narcissist can be met in the same way as any other client.
My question had a glimmer of fear in it, a sense of possible entrapment. I think it’s part of something I am cleaning up around boundaries and how to help, when to help. It’s an unfolding of higher awareness I am ready for.
What your answer to this question underlines are the lack of judgement that narcissists can be met with. We all meet narcissists regularly, and some of them are very powerful (imposing). To know that they too will find their way home is powerful (it’s a different kind of power, cleaner, clearer, expansive).
Thank you, Shelley, for your questions, as always, they reveal more than they answer. When we inquire with an open mind and a loving heart, something magical happens. The lights go on inside, and wisdom signposts kindness.
About Shelley Chapman
Shelley Chapman is a dynamic change agent with a passion for empowering individuals and organisations to unleash their full potential. Driven by compassion and proactive clarity, Shelley approaches every challenge as an opportunity for growth and innovation. Her mission is to help others discover the key that unlocks their true potential, facilitating meaningful and sustainable change.
In addition to her professional pursuits, Shelley is a devoted mother of three young girls. She also leads experiential LiberatingTouch workshops in the breathtaking landscapes of Arrabida, Portugal. Through these workshops, she fosters insight, creativity, and effective behavior change, ultimately promoting leadership and engagement with a systemic impact.
To get a better picture of bullying, narcissism and gaslighting, we recommend reading part 1 and part 2 of this blog. In part 1 Deborah Lacy shares her insights and Rosa Lopes shares her experiences in part 2.
Here are the links:
If you would like to share your thoughts on this 3-part blog or on any of the articles you read at https://whatwecan.com/blog/, visit our Facebook page – https://www.facebook.com/WhatWeCAN to comment. Thank you.
Here’s a few links that may be useful:
The LT Detachment Process will help you break free from these disempowering patterns, you can learn more at https://liberatingtouch.com/peace/
https://theconversation.com/was-there-an-evolutionary-purpose-to-bullying-70230
https://www.simplypsychology.org/origin-of-the-term-gaslighting.html
https://dreamsandmythology.com/echo-and-narcissus
That’s all for now, till our next encounter, love and joy, Ranjana
Ranjana Appoo is a dynamic author and co-creator of LiberatingTouch, known for her joyful approach to life and passion for truth. Alongside her partner, Eddie Appoo, she has co-authored the book “Detachment – The Secret to Infinite Peace”. With a vibrant spirit and a commitment to Love, Ranjana continues to inspire others to embark on the paths of Self-Realisation through her writings, teachings, and compassionate presence.
