Part 1: Breaking up with “the Top Dog”
Last year (2023), I posted a series of collaborative blogs with LT Facilitators on what I called the “Big Questions”. We didn’t get to the meaning of life, but we did cover a range of interesting topics including shame, desire, birth and death. We got a fair bit of positive feedback about these blogs, so it seems fitting that we continue in this reflective conversational style. I still have a half-written blog on birth and death from September 2023, but it can wait for now.
When stuff doesn’t flow, it’s easier to give it a rest for a bit and focus on what does flow. It’s an intuitive way of living. It also takes the energy of struggle out of effort. Effort can be fun (making an effort to write, share, connect, go to the shops, show up, pick up the phone, learn to dance etc.) but struggling to do so is not so much fun. The older I get, the more I find myself gravitating to what tests my ever-expansive capacity to love unconditionally, live in truth and bring me joy.
So, let’s dive right into an area that has been given a fair amount of press recently… bullying, narcissism, and gaslighting. Here is part 1 of a 3-part blog and breaking up with “the Top Dog”.
Who was the top dog in your life? And did you want to break free of the influence they exerted in your life? Could you? It took me years!!
Can you love a Bully?
The fact is a lot of people do love their homegrown bullies; in fact, some people even find them irresistible, drawn to them like moths to a flame. Would they own up to that? I wonder if denial and bullying have a secret pact. It’s hard breaking up with the Top dog once you have their so-called love. There is an addictive pull. It’s ego driven, destructive, divisive and desiring. It’s a bit like the siren’s call, once you are trapped, it’s hard to break free. When you wake up and discover that you have let bullying, gaslighting and narcissistic people influence you, blind you, or bind you, it can be painful and so important to side-step the blame-shame game that follows the wake-up call. That’s a good time to read the book, Detachment: The Secret to Infinite Peace.
Deborah Lacy’s Reflections on Bullying, Narcissism, Gaslighting
I wanted to write a bit about this as it is something that has touched my life deeply for many years. I have been on a long journey to overcome my addiction to relationships with narcissists who are proficient at gaslighting and hold at their core the behaviour of bullies, when they don’t get their needs met. Having come to understand so much about myself, my own predispositions towards addictive behaviour, which mostly presented, in my case as an ‘addiction to love’ not love with the capital L as we know it, but the need to be seen heard understood and accepted by others in a needy and dysfunctional way. As a result, I’ve also come to deeply understand the underlying patterns that drive narcissism.
Bullying
Bullying is an interesting one, very closely aligned with humiliation. This is always a behaviour that I have felt very opposed to throughout my life. Although this is still true, I also now recognise the bullies’ desperate attempt to gain control in their life. I will put money on it that this was as a result of being out of control in their childhood due to the behaviour of the people around them. very likely to have included abusive behaviour towards them.
Every negative behaviour is ultimately an attempt (for a desperate inner child) to feel safe in the world. Love and safety are very closely connected for me, and at times I have confused the two.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a tool, often used by narcissists, as a way to leave somebody feeling disempowered, confused, humiliated, alone and stupid. Again, this is an unconscious tactical behaviour to control somebody else, for their own gain. It is when somebody denies, disputes/contradicts something that you know you have done, said, seen, heard or witnessed. It leaves one feeling like you’re going mad, as a result, you really start to question what is real and not real. It’s very scary to go through. Ultimately, it is someone who is telling you that their perspective of reality trumps yours. Watch out for gaslighting that happens in more subtle ways, such as when a friend who spoke to me in an aggressive way said, ‘I’m sorry if you feel I was rude’, which takes no ownership of her behaviour and suggests it was only my perception that made her behaviour wrong.
Narcissism
I have been in a relationship with a few narcissists, (one in my 20s and one in my 30s) and it has taken me years of ‘unpacking’ to truly understand how people with this label operate.
Ultimately narcissism develops from deep trauma, when someone has not been safe as a child, and not experienced Unconditional Love, and has had to become incredibly self-reliant, perhaps detached/disassociated to survive. To be their own parent and to manipulate those around them to get their most basic needs met.
Self-Love
The ‘victim’ of the narcissist can only be free once they truly love themselves (and profoundly understand what love means – this in itself is a whole other topic), set clear boundaries and take full responsibility for the patterns within themselves that ‘needed’ this dynamic to grow and expand in the first place. I have worked with women who have been through toxic relationships and self-responsibility is one of the hardest principles to embrace.
So, my experience and understanding is that the core issue is one of control, needing to be in control. If they are no longer in control of the relationship or getting what they need then they detach from the relationship. Part of the way they control you is by gaslighting, using triangular relationships (jealousy) to create the emotional disruption in the other that allows for the control and manipulation to continue.
Self-Respect
I think it’s important to remember that all relationships and experiences are showing us something about ourselves… where we can grow, heal, learn or perhaps where we need to set boundaries, show ourselves more respect. Establishing very clear boundaries with people who have these tendencies is crucial for your well-being and safety.
As healers and therapists, there is often a lot of compassion for people’s wounds which in my experience has meant I’ve tolerated behaviour that I shouldn’t have tolerated, for way too long (I’m talking years and years of my life). No amount of compassion will heal a narcissist, just like it won’t heal an alcoholic, until they have decided that they want to take action to heal. Due to the nature of the narcissists wound, it is very difficult for them to identify the cause of the drama around them as resulting from their choices and behaviour, because of their profound disassociation, from themselves (including their Infinite Loving Self) that they established at some point of pain/trauma in their past.
There is so much more I could say on the topic, especially in relation to the healing, transformation process. But more another time.
Healing the pattern
Thank you, Deborah, for illustrating how challenging it can be to acknowledge and heal from a pattern of what one wants to see, wants to have, wants to believe in, instead of trusting and being guided innate Love and Truth.
About Deborah Lacy
Deborah helps successful women reclaim their personal joy and passion after toxic relationships.
She is qualified in and draws from the following modalities:
– Art Psychotherapy (Goldsmiths University of London)
– Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT Tapping)
– The Journey TM
– Jin Shin Jyutsu ®
– Inner Child Matrix
– Liberating Touch ®
Deborah specialises in supporting women to heal past trauma, and break the cycle of drama/abuse/trauma that is preventing them from truly enjoying all areas of life. You can connect with her via email: deborah@deborahlacy.co.uk
In part 2 of this 3-part series, Rosa Lopes shares her experiences and we look a little closer at the confusion that arises when we do not investigate the reality of bullying, narcissism and gaslighting.
If you would like to share your thoughts on this 3-part blog or on any of the articles you read at https://whatwecan.com/blog/, visit our Facebook page – https://www.facebook.com/WhatWeCAN to comment. Thank you.
